i feel...................

EMPTY

knowing i can't have you for christmas

but somehow when i remember the painful memories you caused me. i start to slip away and want to start to forget you but i know i can't because you got this hold on me. :(

i love you, lolo. :(

december 2, 2009. i woke up from a dream early this morning. it was 2:52 AM i believe. because i remember those figures on my phone's screen. i dreamt that i lost all of my teeth and alot of people were laughing at me for being toothless. i prayed to god that all my relatives will be safe since the meaning of losing teeth in a dream is a death of a person or a loved one. i tried hard to put myself back to sleep but it didn't work at all. instead i started reading time traveler's wife. then, i felt something pinch me on my left leg. (i didn't realize it was him)

i finally decided to get up from bed at 5:30 AM in the morning. and turned on the computer. went to facebook to greet my cousin a happy birthday instead i saw this:

a post from my tito that says: "i love you, papa. its sad because its been along time since i was last by your side. i'm going home this december but you didn't wait for me. your love and dedication to us inspires me so much. your memories will remiain alive in my heart. i will miss you so much. i love you so much. thankyou for all the things you've done for us."

my jaw dropped. and i recieved a message from my mother seconds after saying: "papa lang died kanina anak. he was brought to the hospital before 1AM and we lost him at 3AM. don't cry too much anak, it will not make him happy seeing his favorite apo cry. he's with god now. you may have lost him but you gained an angel so smile ha."

i found myself sulking into tears and immediate pace of sadness covered me. yaya asked me why i was crying but i didn't say a word. instead i let her read mama's message. she was shocked too. and felt pity for me of course. since she knew that he's my favorite lolo (though i haven't met my lolo on my father's side). out of 42 apos and 4 apos sa tuhod my name is the only name he remembers since every time i'm at bicol i spend more time with him than my mother and siblings. i just hate the fact that i'll be celebrating my first bday and christmas without him. i even remember that i told mom last november that i don't want to spend christmas here in manila since i want to spend it with my cousins, lolo and lola. its sad, that i can't hug and kiss him anymore. though i know he's in good hands now. i somehow feel him beside me. i was even talking alone a while ago saying: "papa lang, sana hinintay mo kaming umuwi. sana napasaya ka pa namin this christmas. pano na lang yung gift ko sayo? sino na mag-bubukas nun? sino na kakanta saken ng happy bday? bisitahin mo ako sa panaginip ko mamaya ha. i love you.:)"

i'm still shocked till now. he's now watching over us from the heavens above. i know he's now happy with God and all the family that has left with him. And as long as I am able, I’ll keep his memory, our memory alive. you will always be loved. I love you, lolo. i'll miss you.:((

=))

 `read this from a friend's fb account :) and since i can relate i decided to re-post it :))

These are just SOME of the things “I” HAVE learned about Life – Love through the past months. It might sound sarcastic/bitter, but these are just MY realizations.

1. Don’t talk too much about your life, THEY might make a movie out of it. Try to fold some pages of your open book, or better yet, CLOSE IT.

2. Don’t be sad over SOMEONE or SOME THINGS you’ve lost. They’re just “some”. Look around you, you still got “ALL” the reasons to smile, the moon, the stars and the big blue sky :D

3. If someone told you they’re going to take away their own lives, just tell them to “go ahead”. I’m 99.9% Sure, they won’t proceed to the implementation process.

4. If you placed a PERIOD over a statement, don’t expect for an answer because it’s not a QUESTION MARK.

5. Don’t get TOO INFATUATED with your phone, cause they don’t show emotions, it doesn’t even have face and senses.

6. It’s not the LENGTH of time you’ve been TOGETHER that matters in a relationship, it’s the QUALITY and how much JOY it brought you, not SORROW :p

7. Don’t compete over with the PRESENT of your PAST. There’s NOTHING to compare. Better think of your FUTURE.

8. TRUE love can wait, if it won’t, then it is not TRUE, it’s FALSE.

9. You don’t need SOMEONE to fix your broken heart. It’ll just TIME who’ll eventually paste the pieces. But if you want to speed up things, why don’t you try SUPER GLUE or MIGHTY BOND, see if it works!

10. Don’t cry over EGGS, they won’t even crack with your tears. THROW them instead, for sure, they’ll break :D

DIRTY POLITICS could this get any DIRRTTTIIEERRR???!!

what makes a good leader? hmmm. must he be an intellectual one to discover ways to easily fool his disciples? must he kill people for power? must he be selfish for himself? must he be powerful enough to have a private military force to kill? hmmmm. In our country, the realization of election coming up is when "Honorable" Officials of the land throw garbage at each other. Why? we Filipinos elect candidates on the basis of who has the less dirt? this is very disgusting and makes me nauseated already. but the question i leave to this political aspirants is: "DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE A LEADER BECAUSE YOU WANT TO HELP THE PHILIPPINES?? or DO YOU ONLY WANT TO HELP YOURSELF??"

four days ago, a tragic incident that changed most of the filipinos lives happened; the filipinos are  now angry, frightened, grieving, praying, disturbed and thirsty for the truth. the maguindanao massacre killed 57 people by assassinating them and burying them in the ground to leave no evidence. the female victims were even raped before buried into the ground said "Boy" the witness of the massacre to Marga Ortigas the correspondent of AlJazeera.net. (read further in this site: http://english.aljazeera.net/news/asia-pacific/2009/11/2009112654959580381.html). due to this the Philippines is now the most dangerous country for journalists even beating Iraq and Somalia.

 

i need not name names but whoever did this comes from a belligerent type of family that he/she killed not only one but 57 people in a savagely brutal manner. his/her soul is already burning in purgatory because of his truculent attitude. how could some people be so heartless that they can kill people just for power? i can't imagine how the persons behind murders, crimes and massacres sleep at night. aren't they haunted by the souls of the poor victims? aren't they even bothered by their conscience? people are really getting less human by their actions. its quite alarming that every election a person dies. and a lot of people say justice in our country is in favor of the rich and even slower than a turtle. my say: no matter how slow investigation is as long as the perpetrators pay for what they did and justice prevails its okay. we need not rush things out. we need patience, control, hope and fortitude.

i come from a politically inclined family. and every election our family receives various death threats. i remember that my uncle was almost shot while he was cockfighting. since then,  most of our relatives  owned guns and brought it at their backs everywhere they go. one of my uncles, Joseph Aldea Santiago (my mother's first cousin) is currently the congressman of our province and has served for his third term right now. this upcoming elections his' wife will be the one to run for congress; i can't make a stand against political dynasty because ever since my great grand lolo's time most of the leaders of our province are from the ARCILLA-ALDEA clan. making a stand against it means that i'm against my own bloodline and being in favor of it makes us selfish for power. i can never deny that i dream to be like them someday. even my HS year book's class descripiton written by my classmate (Elvin Jubay) states that they believe that i could make my way to politics. but now, i get scared of the fact that politics is a complicated world that only a few could handle.

however, i never lose hope that the Philippines could change for the better since change is the only constant thing in this world. let us realize that we do not need selfish leaders. what we need is a and a leader who is willing to sacrifice alot of things for the public. a leader who has a heart; a heart which is god-fearing. and a spirit burning for the passion to serve.

lalala

i wonder if he knows that he's my daily dose of happiness :)

him

i want him.
i really want him.
i'm starting to fall for him.
and i love him.
but i belong to somebody else...
and i can't take that away... :(

just me :)

i'm a product of my dad's sperm cell and my mom's egg cell united as one by "LOVE" :))

since then, the earth had a problem named "ROSSELLE"

a lot of people don’t know me as well as they think they do. I’m unpredictable and quite hard to understand. I could love n hate and be sweet n rude to anyone at the same time but it doesn't mean i love them less already; blame it to mood swings i get.

a lot of people label me as a bitch. well, i am a bitch. a bitch is a female dog, a dog barks, a bark is a part of nature and nature is beautiful so am I.:)) but seriously, you can never expect the best of me at all times. i can act really stupid and foolish. but i can be a bitch for you if there's another bitch trying to take my throne as the queen B. HAHAHA.

I love the company of guys. But this doesn't mean i cannot befriend with girls. In fact, my best friends are girls. its just that i really love what men do (eat a lot, counter, inom, etc.) and they are never maarte compared to us girls they are never complicated to be with. HELLO TO MY M.E. and E.E. Friends. lovelove:)

i can be quiet sometimes..but most of the times you can hear my mouth talking out loud,bla-bla!!

i am a certified "DRAMA QUEEN" if something makes me cry it would take an hour or more to make me stop.

i love meeting new people those who actually care about how i feel and those who don't use me because they want something or because no-one else is around. but i don't want to lose the people i love because i’m so wrapped up in meeting those other people.

I’ve made close mates with people before, then lost them. =( ( its not my fault)… i’m not actually that bothered about those people. if they wanted to be my mate so much, then sure they’d keep the relationship going. NO MATTER WHAT
 

i am HAPPY AND CONTENTED with what i have, who i am and what i look like. i don't care that much about my physical image because i believe i am uniquely created by god :)

PS i love my engineering friends, my hs friends, my best friends, my family and god so much :)

If you love me, thank you. if you hate me, well then f*** you! :))