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I'm transferring to a new blog. adoseofexcuberanceandmishaps.blogspot.com :) however, i'll be updating it after the board exams. :) follow me there too. THANKS.

JUST FOCUS ROSSELLE.

I've been procrastinating for a week now. There are only 62 days left before the board exams but here I am not studying. Last week I had all the effort in studying algebra and trigonometry but now when my favorite sub-topic of math was on lecture (geometry) I started to lose focus and I do not know why. Its as if something's not right all along. I feel that something's missing. Its as if I'm longing for something. 


Just to cure my anxiety I did everything I wanted to do. I shopped. I dyed my hair and I went to the spa. (so now I'm officially broke) but sadly I didn't find a definite answer to what I've been wanting and searching. Yes the salon and spa somehow made me happy but at the end of the day when I hit my bed and curl up to sleep I still feel empty.


Last night I went to Wensha Spa Delta alone and there I realized alot of things. Sauna, Jacuzzi and a massage alone sucks I know. And I admit since I was alone seeing happy couples leaved me with this awe and envy in my heart. But I had serious "ME" time; time to think of what I want and need. While at the sauna, when sweat was pouring thoroughly I thought of the people who touched my life and left me hanging. I hate it when people start sweet stuff and show me I'm an important part of their lives when they don't actually mean it. I hate inconsistencies and somehow I hate myself for letting them in. Because for a moment they made me happy and the thought of keeping them was good but eventually it will all end up f*cked up. I just wish people would be honest and say "Hey I'm coming into your life but I have no intentons of staying long."


I'm not good at being alone. But I choose to be alone and set up walls to those whom I think are temporary. I admire those people who break the barriers I put up when I isolate myself to the world. Well the thought of isolation is not something I like but I just don't want to get hurt. I've learned. And doing this is just a test to see who has good intentions. As my favorite quote on my favorite tv series "One Tree Hill" goes: "Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down" But sadly, people whom I meet give up on me easily. I just want someone who'll never give up on me despite my impulsiveness, wittiness and short-comings. I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.


I pray that everything be better for the upcoming weeks. But for the meantime, just focus ROSSELLE. JUST FOCUS.

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Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.