i feel...................

EMPTY

knowing i can't have you for christmas

but somehow when i remember the painful memories you caused me. i start to slip away and want to start to forget you but i know i can't because you got this hold on me. :(

i love you, lolo. :(

december 2, 2009. i woke up from a dream early this morning. it was 2:52 AM i believe. because i remember those figures on my phone's screen. i dreamt that i lost all of my teeth and alot of people were laughing at me for being toothless. i prayed to god that all my relatives will be safe since the meaning of losing teeth in a dream is a death of a person or a loved one. i tried hard to put myself back to sleep but it didn't work at all. instead i started reading time traveler's wife. then, i felt something pinch me on my left leg. (i didn't realize it was him)

i finally decided to get up from bed at 5:30 AM in the morning. and turned on the computer. went to facebook to greet my cousin a happy birthday instead i saw this:

a post from my tito that says: "i love you, papa. its sad because its been along time since i was last by your side. i'm going home this december but you didn't wait for me. your love and dedication to us inspires me so much. your memories will remiain alive in my heart. i will miss you so much. i love you so much. thankyou for all the things you've done for us."

my jaw dropped. and i recieved a message from my mother seconds after saying: "papa lang died kanina anak. he was brought to the hospital before 1AM and we lost him at 3AM. don't cry too much anak, it will not make him happy seeing his favorite apo cry. he's with god now. you may have lost him but you gained an angel so smile ha."

i found myself sulking into tears and immediate pace of sadness covered me. yaya asked me why i was crying but i didn't say a word. instead i let her read mama's message. she was shocked too. and felt pity for me of course. since she knew that he's my favorite lolo (though i haven't met my lolo on my father's side). out of 42 apos and 4 apos sa tuhod my name is the only name he remembers since every time i'm at bicol i spend more time with him than my mother and siblings. i just hate the fact that i'll be celebrating my first bday and christmas without him. i even remember that i told mom last november that i don't want to spend christmas here in manila since i want to spend it with my cousins, lolo and lola. its sad, that i can't hug and kiss him anymore. though i know he's in good hands now. i somehow feel him beside me. i was even talking alone a while ago saying: "papa lang, sana hinintay mo kaming umuwi. sana napasaya ka pa namin this christmas. pano na lang yung gift ko sayo? sino na mag-bubukas nun? sino na kakanta saken ng happy bday? bisitahin mo ako sa panaginip ko mamaya ha. i love you.:)"

i'm still shocked till now. he's now watching over us from the heavens above. i know he's now happy with God and all the family that has left with him. And as long as I am able, I’ll keep his memory, our memory alive. you will always be loved. I love you, lolo. i'll miss you.:((