"IT'S NOT LOVE WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO FORGIVE"

 *this was supposed to be a blogpost last dec 2009 but i just decided to publish it now*

since alot of people asked why. i have finally decided to post what really is the reason behind my unexpected decision. i didn't want to post this at first since i do not want to open a chapter of my life which still gives me this aching feeling and yes i am on the process of moving on. i can't answer the one's who asked in person because i'm afraid to burst into tears. but i guess i have to start here letting the world know why. *sigh* so here goes:

i know alot of my friends hate me for this. they blame me for being so bad, so selfish; but when i start thinking of the factors that made me jump into the decision of breaking up with him i never feel guilty ANYMORE.

its not that i'm selfish because i only thought of myself. but i kept understanding him that i felt that my kindness was abused. he lost effort on us, on me. which hurts. i kept expecting and it turned out that all my expectations were turned down. i just asked for space and he thought of many things. that i had another guy etc etc

i thought this would be the best way for me not to end up hating him. i forgave him alot of times. its not only my fault. he has never forgave me since that decision. and yes, he doesn't even want to talk about it. he gave up on me easily. so please spare me. i guess i need to start moving on. since he's already showing that i mean nothing to him. no texts, no pms... sheesh. what do i expect?? damn!

the NEXT time :)

the next time i fall INLOVE i wish its with the RIGHT GUY..

a guy who won't take me for granted.

no, rather the almost PERFECT GUY..

i don't normally go for the good-looking guys.. i have this perception that they are the ones who normally break girls' hearts

for me looks are just a bonus :)

i'm looking for something different :D

I'M LOOKING  no I'M WAITING for someone...

someone who can sweep me off my feet.

someone who can make me fall inlove over and over again.

someone who sets aside his' PRIDE for me.

someone who will never give up on me.

someone who will be my bestfriend.

i know this guy is far from reality. but i still pray to god that this guy is out there for me 

we will meet SOOOOON :)

for you :)

i've been wanting to say this to you lately but i guess i never have the courage to tell u how i feel and never had the right words to have it voiced out...

We started off as friends. Things were going well that time.. we're texting, we invite each other to watch a movie, we talk, we laugh, we take long trips. but there's one thing i least expected. its falling inlove with you. no rather its i'm starting to love the fact that i'm always with you almost everyday :) thankyou UST :). 

it was never my intent at all... I guess for a beautiful person like you, girls like me has always been easy. 

It’s funny to think that when Mark asked me if ever I would choose one person in the class to be my boyfriend I answered your name. I never thought twice nor trice your name just popped out my mind that very instant. He was shocked, he expected me to answer joseph’s name and right then and there he kept teasing me that I was starting to like you and I was just denying the fact I was falling. He said this to me a couple of times: “I know that feeling bestfriend. I’ve experienced that too. You just can’t admit that you like him.” And I guess, YES. He’s right.

who wouldn't like you? You are just one of the ideal guys a girl would want to love. Your kind, smart, faithful to god, gentleman, we jive and a lot more. Small things with a big impact to me... so please don’t blame me.

but I just don’t know what I want from you. Whether you become my boyfriend or not. It’s just that i’m not a lovable girlfriend. Reasons why guys who I thought that would love and understand me for who I am just came in and walked out of my life. But there’s one thing I know. It’s that I just want to keep you forever. You are one of the many people I don’t want to lose. Forever. Whether as friends or as lovers.:)

:((

it's already 2 am in the morning but here i am in front of the monitor; tear-eyed, scared, traumatized and angry for what happened past 7 pm in the evening. an incident me and yaya never anticipated that will happen since there are people present in our compound.

it was 10 minutes before 7pm when i felt that i was craving for street food. so i asked yaya "gusto mo kumain ng dugo?" she was also craving for dugo so she immediately said yes and asked if she would change clothes. i said "wag na. saglit lang tayo e. sa kanto lang yun". imagine how far the lacson gate is to engineering (ganun lang din kalayo yung binilhan namin ng dugo)

after eating we had a little walk along the streets here pmpababa ng kinain. we stopped by a store and yaya bought drinks for us. after a minute stay we went back home and a not-so-familiar face stepped out of the gate and when he saw my face he was suddenly in a rush and i even joked "nakakita ng multo? haha"

we opened the main door of the house and headed to our room and i was shocked to see that our heavy duty padlock was lying on the floor. and when we opened the door we saw this:

 

all of my bags open and look my cellphone case with no cellphone in it also there was a red samsung phone beside that phone before we left but its gone already (1st picture) if you could look closer all my stuffs are messy look under the table of the bags. before we left it wasn't like that

my accessories all messed up and see the xoxo bag? it wasn't there before we left. it was over the table

the story was the gay inquired if there's still an available room but since there is none the helper of the owner of our apartment said no and the gay went out the gate already daw. after a while a lady in another house in the compound noticed the gay come back but didn't mind him since she taught he was also one of the tenants here in our apartment. he managed to open the main door; we don't know how he did it since only tenants have the key to this door. so we're thinking na one of the tenants is his "KASABWAT" then he pretended to walk as if he did nothing wrong til he saw me. i believed he noticed me that's why he was in a rush. since i have this huge picture of mine because of the pageant near our pc and i somehow feel he knows me. since the timing was so perfect. i was out and no one was left inside even yaya.

money worth 4k+, 2 cellphones and clothes were lost. this is not the first time this happened. before we lost my camera and my brother's psp. we're going to blotter this incident tomorrow since the baranggay was already closed by the time we arrived there. i finally saw your face you thief. if i see you again i swear you would taste blood.

and now, i'm left with no phone and 20 php in my pocket. i don't know who to blame. is it me for getting hungry? or is it the stupid helpers of this apartment? i've been crying since i saw our room messy and i haven't stopped yet. god please help me overcome the trauma brought to me by this incident. and please please punish bad people ASAP.:((

Love and Life by Albert Einstein

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the person of deeds and not for the person of words for you will find rewarding happiness  not with the one you loved but the one who loves you more. 

 

   The best lovers are those who are capable of loving from a distance, far enough to allow the other person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his or her own happiness without expecting him or her to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all fears, bitterness, hatred and anger that you keep in your heart. 

 

   Do not let the bitterness rare away your strength and weaken you’re your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let you grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may have found peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. But be careful, for thus can sustain life but never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today… 

 

   There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and we just find ourselves so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon become a part of our everyday life and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just friendship, or the feelings he or she might have for you is just too far from how you love him or her. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still un rewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves. 

 

   You don’t have to be bitter on love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself…. Believe me you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone deserving. Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feeling but reason as well. 

 

   Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow: if you lose love that doesn’t mean that you failed in love. Cry, if you have to, but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime. 

 

   “when you LOSE someone …and you think you were the one who loved the most between the two of you….his or her LOST MORE…for someday you can love someone the way that you loved him or her… but he or she will never be loved again the way you did!!!

heart-breaking :(

a letter i read while i was searching the net. i just can't help not to cry while reading this. its really sad. i feel her pain. god. i can relate much. :((

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I am writing to say goodbye. Goodbye for now, not for forever. I am fairly sure our paths will continue to meet. Maybe someday I’ll be more mature and better prepared for whatever comes my way, but I cannot anymore handle the pain you have unknowingly caused me these past months

Don’t get me wrong. You have made me very happy just by sharing yourself and your life with me. The memories will stay in my heart forever. From the time we first started going out until now, you have unfailingly shown me how it is to be really cared for and cherished. At the same time you have managed to keep my feet on the ground, always reminding me that my life is my own and no one else’s. I thank you for that. You taught me how fully comprehend what real love is like without even telling me you loved me. Just by showing me in your own way, you made me see how two incompatible persons can actually become real friends and true lovers.

You have kept my feet on the ground and yet showed me how beautiful the stars and skies are.

We have dreamed together. Laughed together. Whenever I needed your comport and strength, your level-headedness and rationality, you were always there for me. Our relationship has gone through a lot of things ranging from the serious (“I hate to admit it to you outright but for me you are my boyfriend.”) to the stupid and we were able to weather the storms together, you and I mainly because we knew how to properly steer the relationship back to its proper course

I guess the only thing that went wrong is my falling in love with you and the accompanying issues of where this relationship is really headed and the roles we will actually play in each other’s lives. I know you will never fully commit yourself to any one women-knowing you, I’m sure of that

No one is to blame. Not you, nor me, nor whoever else is sharing you with me…maybe I’m just a victim of circumstance like you. And since the circumstances surrounding our relationship have changed, I don’t anymore know if I can handle things the same way I’ve handled them before. Your presence and your help will not matter. Seeing you and being with you when we spend time together gives me a certain kind of happiness only you can give. But every time you leave me, my heart breaks, knowing for certain that you have to attend to the needs of the others who need you too like me

I am hurting and I have to heal my wounds alone. I cannot do this with you in my life, because every time you leave me, the pain recurs

I will miss you. I will miss you very, very, very much. But contrary to what I used to believe, I’m not as tough as I thought I would be. I try so hard to be strong, to think that your other relationships do not matter, but they do matter…a lot. So I have to let you go now

I do not want to do this-but I must. Call it false bravado on my part. I know I’ll be hurting myself more by saying goodbye to you now, but I am unable to continue as if things haven’t changed

You told me time and again to expect the worse, or assume the worst, so that when the time comes I’ll be ready. But the expectations and assumptions do not compare to reality. No matter how I tried to accept things as they were, no matter how much I tried to prepare myself, finding out about the actual existence of your other woman has hurt me so much. Maybe I was in denial, or maybe I was just trying so hard to believe that I was brave and strong, that whatever happened, I would be able to fully handle the truth when it dawned on me. Unfortunately that wasn’t what happened for real

I love you so much it hurts to say goodbye. But I am ashamed to admit that no matter how much I love you, no matter how deep my feelings already are for you, I cannot stay in the relationship anymore and fight for you, for us. What is there to fight for? My love for you, which you do not want to acknowledge? A future with you which looks very uncertain at this time? It is difficult to stay and fight when you d not know what it is you’re fighting for

Maybe I did unconsciously change the rules in the middle of the relationship. I know and I acknowledge that I am fully to blame for everything. I was forewarned, I knew what I was getting myself into. But as the years and months passed, maybe the attachment grew stronger. My appreciation of your companionship bred feelings and thoughts that couldn’t control and are now the cause of this pain. I thought you could shelter me forever----that you would be careful that I wouldn’t get hurt. But carelessness on your end, and too much snooping at my end to be lethal.

Remember making joke about mending broken fences???it was not a joke for me. I saw it as an admission from you, one which you didn’t want to make but still did knowing that somehow you had make things right. I appreciate your efforts at maintaining the status quo. I know it’s very difficult, considering everything that’s been said and done, which is why I appreciate you all the more. Your constant remark about things not having changed between us? In fairness to you, I admit that’s true. Things haven’t changed in our relationship at all. The caring, our mutual respect for each other, helping each other out and being there for each other….nothing has changed. And I know that if I decide to stay in relationship, nothing will change and things will go on as they have before

But I have changed. I am hurting and I wasn’t hurting before. I am becoming more critical of you and the things that you do and do not do. I expect you to make up for everything that has happened because I still believe that given the fact that we have been in our relationship longer, I will come first. I will be given more attention. I will be the “primus inter pares’---the first among equals. I even harbor the hope that you will try to court me and win me back fully, something which I know will never happen

You will forever be a part of my life, thank you for making me a part of yours. I will always remember you and the past months with a smile and with wistfulness for being the one responsible for throwing it all away… but I have to go now. I am afraid that if I stay, something will be destroyed---either be part of you, a part of me, our friendship or the relationship itself. I don’t really know. At least by leaving now, I am sure that everything remains intact, the relationship beautiful untouched unmarred by jealousy and hatred we both don’t deserve a relationship that would always be fraught with questions and conditions. I am unable to see myself as a true-blue kept woman anyway

You always said that all your past relationship never really ended. They were merely put on hold, or actually, your words were “Continuing, Open kasi”. I know this is not the end of everything. It is actually a new beginning, hopefully of a better, more beautiful friendship. But I have to do this, to say goodbye to you properly. I need closure to move on. And I realize I have to move on.

I cannot hold on to something I don’t believe in anymore. I would have been really nice to grow old with you…to laugh with you while reminiscing about the years that have passed…to share with you my whole life, and I would share with you yours…but I guess now is not right time for us, or maybe we’re just not meant to be really together, now or forever, I don’t really know. You deserve someone who will fully understand your needs and your personality, I guess I deserve someone who will love me like you have done, only that he’ll be going out with me and me alone…it’s painful to say goodbye but even more painful to stay. Please understand that I have to do this somehow.

Love you very, very much. I don’t want to leave just yet, but if I don’t do it now, I know I will never be strong enough to ever do it at all. Thank you very much for always being there for me when I needed you most. Thank you for sharing yourself with me, if only for a few years of your life.

In fact, my life will never be the same without you

You have been the love of my life without me expecting it. Maybe when our paths meet again, we would both be ready for whatever it is that we were really meant to be…friends, lovers, husband and wife…we’ll see….only time will tell..........

strikEEng colors

I still can't get over the fact that I won 1st runner-up in a pageant. I mean its my first time and it was fun. super. I was somehow disappointed with the results but at the same time happy since I got in the final 5. It's just because of the answer of my co-female candidate to the question "if you were to remove one color in the rainbow. what will it be and why?" she answered: PURPLE. the heck! purple is not even a color in the rainbow. that's why almost all the people in the multi-purpose hall was shocked that I was called the 1st runner up. since my answer was violet because it represents darkness and since its also the dullest color of the rainbow. the one who totaled the scores told me that she has more awards than i have that's why she won. frustrating, really.

but, i was happy because of the support of my friends

and also because of the support of my bestfriend partner :)

and lastly i would like to say thankyou to those who showed their support by buying my popularity votes. My EE friends specially 4A, ME friends, ECE friends, ChE friends, professors and my bestfriends. Without you guys i wouldn't bag the ms. popular award. you guys are ♥♥♥ :)